on dusting yourself off and starting again (and again)
on dusting yourself off and starting again (and again)
Hello down there!
Yes, I see you down at the bottom of that deep dark hole, smarting from falling down once again.
I’ve fallen down enough times in my life that I know how dark and deep and lonely it can be to find yourself here again. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself here, again. It’s a miserable place to be and one I know you never wanted to return to ever again. I’m been here too, countless times.
And it’s from finding myself here again and again and again I can say as loudly and clearly as possible: stop beating yourself up!
Right now!
No, not when you climb out of the hole, but now. Right this minute. Right here, when you’re feeling defeated and scared and like it’s never going to stop.
Because when we’re at our lowest we don’t need more shit piled on us, we’re actually in need of more self-compassion than ever.
Because the truth is, life can often feel like a long series of moments of falling down over and over strung together. With the occasional stepping on a rake and knocking yourself out, Loony Tunes style for a “fun” absurdist spice.
For many of us, the goal is to never to fall down the fucking hole ever again. I’ve fervently held onto this belief myself, believing that once I figure out the magic way to never fail or come up short, life will be smooth sailing from here on out.
Of course, this is a terrible goal, because it’s as fictional as Happily Ever After. And by believing it to be real and achievable, we make ourselves miserable and blame ourselves for it.
Life is full of pain and hardship. Avoiding all of the proverbial holes is a losing game.
Falling into a hole doesn’t make you a loser, it makes you human.
We all fall down.
What really matters is how you take care of yourself after the fall and how you begin to climb out of the hole with more compassion.
Sometimes when I say this to clients, what they hear me say is something like “get comfortable in this godforsaken hole and don’t worry about climbing out.”
And to this I say: please don’t get too comfortable in your misery that you try and make a home of it.
You’re doing yourself and those who love you a disservice by settling for less.
What I mean when I say meet yourself down at the bottom of the hole with self compassion is to acknowledge the hurt and pain of falling.
Acknowledge the fear that swims along the pain, the sense of the walls closing in on you and beginning to suffocate you.
Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel where you are and express how deeply it aches to be here.
Be real with yourself, tell the truth about your pain.
And in doing so, know that you are honoring that which is real now, but is not your forever.
You fell down the hole again. It’s a painful place to be, but look up.
See the faint light showing you the way forward.
Compassion acknowledges the truth about suffering, but through acknowledging it, reminds us that there is a world beyond it.
Compassion says, I see your pain. A reminder that you don’t have to be alone in it.
If you’re feeling alone in it and struggling to offer yourself some compassion down at the bottom of this hole, consider reaching out. None of us have to do this alone. Including you.
Dusting Myself Off
Ever put yourself out there, stretch and try for something only to fall flat on your face? This post was inspired by my own recent fall and the ways I made it harder on myself.
While walking the dog, showering, drinking my morning coffee, or while running errands, I taunted myself with recriminations, calling myself foolish, that it was embarrassing to want more, that I should have never tried in the first place. Sound familiar?
Things I would never say or think about another person, product of my own pain and hurt, and an illustration of my own lack of compassion for myself.
Self-judgement tends to be a vicious and difficult circle to break.
But on my lunch break one day, catching up on Late Night with Seth Myers (which helps me laugh when I want to cry over the state of this nation) this exchange helped me break the cycle of self-judgement. Late Night writer Jenny Hagel talks about how writing comedy and pitching jokes is full of rejection and failure and shares how she has shifted the focus from whether a joke works (i.e. focusing on the outcome) to whether she tried to pitch something or not. Her sharing this reminded me that what is important is the process, not the outcome.
We have little control over outcomes in life, but we can choose to show up and engage and learn from the process.
Like Jenny says in the video, trying is its own kind of winning. When you pitch, you win; the trying is the victory.
“The trying is the victory”
And remembering this helps me soften towards myself, feeling tenderness for the part of me that was excited and willing to try for something new.
I’m glad that I tried, that I was willing to stretch myself, even if it means I fell down again.
I don’t want to give up and make a home at the bottom of the hole.
I was to keep climbing and growing, even if that means sometimes I fall down. So now here I am dusting myself off once again, climbing up towards the light.
I’d love to help you dust yourself off and begin climbing again too.